Monday Meditation – Wondering Momentous

How many times we say or have heard, “If I could only go back in time but knowing what I know now”?  It’s crossed my mind and my lips on many occasions and opens the door to wonder.   How would it look or feel to actually do that, to go back in time and not rush through life as a series of tasks?   How would it make a difference in who I am now and how would those in my family, especially my children be changed?  I remember being a child and looking into the night sky wondering how many stars there were.  It would fill me with awe and a tinge of fear.  My newly forming ego didn’t want any questions left unanswered.  Wonder would continue but for a while was overshadowed by fear.

Now this fear was not like running away from a hungry bear or any real threat of danger.  This fear was one created by the culture I lived and grew up in.  A slow creeping kind of fear that I might not measure up, I might fail was the first I am aware of.  Being a student in a school where perfection seemed required was one perception I held.  As I grew and struggled just a bit in school, the culture of consumerism also jumped on board.  My family did not have what others did and so hand-me-downs were the norm.  One new outfit a school year was exciting until I realized I couldn’t wear it every day.  I began to want things I didn’t have.  And I grew.  To college student, new nurse, wife, mother and friend, all of these mini-identities held a special ongoing competition for my attention to control and perfectionism hence creating fears of their own.

It wasn’t all bad or all fear, if it had been I would have succumbed and been lost.  All along the way there was faith.  Faith in a creator God who was good, who created good things, kept my head just above the water until I chose to dive deep.  “When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child;”  1 Cor. 13:11a    As I grew, through life experiences of love, sorrow, trials and joys, a longing was bubbling up through the wondering that continued.  The wondering turned to questioning and study.  The study became filled with conversations between God and myself in prayer.  Slowly a wonderful crack in my perceptions of fear and finality let in some light to shine on the mysteries of life.

Being a Grandmother is teaching  me some new and wonderful lessons, not the least of which is to just love every moment and enjoy the mysteries.  It’s easier now to just love and not worry.  Looking into those sweet faces, so similar to my own children’s  is like looking at the stars in a mirror.  There are so many amazing possibilities for their lives.  They are beautiful and sweet, funny and loving.  There is the answer and no need to wonder.  It is Love.   Just Love.  I did a lot of that when my children were young.  There are so many memories of sweet baby kisses and sticky hands hugs that fill me with joy.   And so I would not want to go back, I don’t have to go back.  God was there all along helping us all grow.  He was loving me through sweet times of growing and some sticky situations.

I am happy for my now grown children and who they have become.  They are making their own way now and will most likely repeat some of my mistakes but that’s how they learn.  I let go of fear and swim in the beautiful night sky of wonder.  I let go of the worldly ideas of how life should be and enjoy each moment as it is.  Every life change and event is momentous and filled with wonder.  I love to wonder momentous.

He counts the number of the stars;
He calls them all by name.  Psalm 147:4

Our Fear, Our Hope

Jesus, fully human, kneels in the garden where beauty is hidden in darkness, and heart torn with anquish sweats blood. “Take this cup from me”…

“Yet, your will be done”

And we like the disciples would rather close our eyes to grief and pain as we remove ourselves from consciousness and live in dreams. We cover our fears and grief, our anxiety and physical deaths with articles of pleasure, lust for beauty and by throwing stones of warfare at those we fear and hand nails to those who would torture out of hate. We run away to save ourselves.

“Forgive them, they know not what they do”

as he offered himself to pain on the cross, taunted, bleeding, each breath as if taken under water
we turn away
This man of healing and love still spoke hope to one hanging nearby takes his last breath and fully submits himself to his Fathers hands.

“It is finished”

If not for Easter morning. If not for Mary’s finding the empty tomb would we look upon his sacrifice to save us?

Thousands of Easters have come and gone, love laid in the tomb fills us with sorry. Love cast out in lands near and far from the cross, bloody stones thrown with hatred and fear..How are we to hope?

Jesus said to her “I am the Resurrection and the life. He who believes in me, though he may die, he shall live. And whoever lives and believes in Me shall never die. Do you believe this? ” John 11:25-25 NKJV

On this Easter morning, with snow covering the earth I ponder the gray sky, my search for signs of new life and spring hidden under the snow. Sorrow could overcome me yet my heart has known the joy of Easter and others know it too.

It is up to us to remember, have faith that seeds of love will grow where we plant them in due time. Turn our hearts toward the emptiness to know the Love that passes all understanding. The empty cross, the empty tomb leave space to fill.

Jesus said to him ” You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.

And the second is like it: “you shall love your neighbor as yourself” Matthew 22:37, 38

It is that simple.

Happy, Joyous, Easter, Alleluia, alleluia He is Risen!